Monday, February 9, 2009

Hail to the Texter-in-Chief

I just couldn't help laughing at an article I read recently, imagining the kinds of texts that are going out on President Barack Obama's (BHO'S) Blackberry.

Here are a few more of his leaked text messages and e-mails . . .

8:10 a.m. Feb. 9, 2008
To: Timothy Geithner
From: BHO

OMG, I think the pork barrel, er, I mean stim pkg is going to go thru. U can use your chg card now. C U at the mall. *lol*

11:45 a.m. Feb. 9, 2008
To: Michelle Obama
From: BHO

I asked the limo driver if we could cruise the Sonic, but he said it would have to be vetted first. Maybe tomorrow. Dang it. I really wanted a Slushie.

3:15 p.m. Feb. 9, 2008
To: George W. Bush
From: BHO

I see what you mean about never getting to watch "General Hospital." In a boring meeting right now. Glad I can program my DVR from this thing.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Candidates Are Coming!!

The candidates are coming! The candidates are coming! Ah, yes, one if by land and two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be, ready to ride and spread the alarm, to every Indiana city, village, and farm.

Run, don't walk, to your nearest tornado shelter, Hoosiers. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are on the offense, blessing our heretofore neglected primary state with umpteen visits and in Obama's case, dozens of unsolicited, full-color, attack mailings. Reduce, reuse, recycle, man! Haven't you heard? The environment is in danger! Your gigantic carbon footprint in the form of two solid inches of junk mail per household is giving you away! Please say those attack ads were printed on one hundred percent recyclable materials from reforested sources. I sniffed it and it didn't smell like bamboo, so naturally, I'm suspicious, man . . .

When it comes to political primaries, Indiana has never mattered much. With a moldy May 6 date, the major candidates in a general election have often long since been decided. But not this year. So, if you're not already too jaded (or bored), keep your vehicle packed with your portable camp chair, camera, autograph book, and enough supplies to last approximately two days in the wilderness. That ought to tide you over when waiting in line to see one of the Democratic not-so-anointed.

The humor, of course, is that it is highly unlikely Indiana will vote Dem in the presidential election come November. That's right. Our state has selected the Republican candidate for president every single election since 1964. We haven't helped a Dem win in 44 years! Chances are we won't this year, either.

Let's just hope that when Obama and Hillary come to Indiana and needlessly spend oodles out of their campaign coffers that will ultimately convince no one in any kind of meaningful, long-term way, that some of that money at least goes into the Indiana economy. Their entourages gotta eat, right? "Primary Specials," anyone?

Oh. And don't forget to recycle those junk mailings.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The "Presidential Apprentice," Part 2

[The Donald looks to Ivanka and Donald Jr. on his right and left.]

TRUMP: It will be interesting to see who they bring back. Who do you think it will be?

IVANKA: Well, if they're smart, it will be Hillary for sure on Team Donkey Kong and either Obama or Edwards would be appropriate. On Team E, I'd recommend Guiliani and Thompson. Neither one really showed themselves on this task, or at all, for that matter.

[TRUMP nods knowingly.]

TRUMP: Well, let's find out. [punches button on desk intercom] Teresa, send them in, please.

[DOOR opens and only HILLARY and OBAMA take a seat on the left, while MCCAIN, ROMNEY, AND HUCKABEE take seats on the right. HUCKABEE tries to elbow MCCAIN toward the left, but MCCAIN resists. All of the TRUMPS look aghast.]

TRUMP: What happened? Where are the rest of your teams?

MCCAIN: Some of our team members voluntarily resigned, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: (eyebrows raised) They quit?? Really!

HILLARY: Edwards and Richardson recognized their lack of contribution and graciously bowed out.

TRUMP: Is that true, Barack? Was their exit truly "gracious?"

OBAMA: I would be willing to afford them some grace.


TRUMP: [turns to MCCAIN] Did your members bow out graciously, too, John?

MCCAIN: Yes, I think so.

ROMNEY: He's only saying that because they endorsed him in their resignation letters.

TRUMP: For what, exactly? The next project manager or to be the next apprentice?

HILLARY: No doubt they want him to be the next apprentice, Mr. Trump. It's a vast, right wing--

TRUMP: Enough, Hillary. We've been through all that. What I need to decide now is whether to accept these mass resignations in place of firing someone or to just fire someone anyway. [looks to HUCKABEE] Mike, if you were me, what would you do?

HUCKABEE: I would not presume to tell you what to do, Mr. Trump, but I can say I'm not interested in resigning or being fired.

ROMNEY: Neither am I.

MCCAIN: Shhh, would you two quit it already??

HILLARY: Looks as if any firing that needs to be done needs to be done over there.

TRUMP: You don't want to see Barack go, then, Hillary, is that what you're saying?

MCCAIN: That's not what she's saying at all.

HILLARY: You don't know what I'm saying, Senator.

OBAMA: No one does.

[HILLARY shoots him a look.]


TRUMP: You know that's what people say, though, don't you, Hillary, that Barack is a nice guy?


TRUMP: Sure they say that or sure he's a nice guy?

[HILLARY affixes a frozen expression to her face.]

OBAMA: She thinks I'm a nice guy.

MCCAIN: No one really knows what she thinks, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: You don't want to answer that one, Hillary?

HILLARY: I am prepared to square off with Senator McCain when the time comes.

TRUMP: Whoa, guys, I think Hillary just wrote all of the rest of you off.

ROMNEY: I am not quitting. If anyone should step aside, it should be--

HUCKABEE: I'm not a quitter!

TRUMP: O.K., everyone, just settle down. The facts are these: We have just winnowed the entire field by four. I'm sitting here looking at the final five right now and from where I'm sitting, you all have a decent shot at being the next apprentice. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to accept the mass resignations in place of a firing for now. You're going to get one more task to show me what you can do before I take it down to the final two. I will confer with Ivanka and Don here and will call you in the suite when we have your next assignment.

MCCAIN: We're prepared for anything, Mr. Trump.

HILLARY: They'll find us a formidable team, Mr. Trump.

[ROMNEY chuckles; OBAMA goes into a fit of coughing.]

TRUMP: Enough, everybody out--back to the suite!

ROMNEY: Dibs on the top bunk!

to be continued . . .

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Presidential 'Apprentice'

Imagine Donald Trump presiding over all the presidential primary candidates in his famous board room. It makes a lot more sense to me than 'vital' early primaries in sparsely populated states like Iowa and New Hampshire, that's for sure. Not only would it be a lot more entertaining than dry PBS-ish debates, but it would likely give us voters the real information we need to make a decision on who will be this country's next leader. If anyone knows how to sift out the weak, it's Trump!

[CAMERA opens on board room. Democratic candidates Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Bill Richardson are seated on the left. Republican candidates John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson are seated on the right. They eye one another warily. At last, after an uncomfortable silence, DONALD TRUMP enters the room and takes his seat.]

TRUMP: You were given a very simple task. I sent you to the streets to open Kool-Aid stands. I chose this as your first task because it appeared to play on your obvious experience.

[TRUMP looks to daughter IVANKA.]

How did they do?

IVANKA: Well, Team Donkey Kong [she glances at the Democrats] only offered one flavor of Kool-Aid. It simplified their operation, but might have cost them sales. They made a total of $2,425. Team Elephantitis [she glances at the Republicans], on the other hand, had five different flavors, one for each team member. It confused the customers, but everyone they approached ending up buying something. They made $4,300.

[The Republican candidates smile amongst themselves. The Democratic candidates look piqued.]

TRUMP: Wow, that's quite a trouncing, Donkey Kong. Tell me, why did you only serve one flavor of Kool-Aid?

HILLARY: We decided that displaying party unity was more important than offering choices.

TRUMP: You were the project manager, weren't you, Hillary? Was that your decision or did all of you agree on that approach?

OBAMA: May I just say, Mr. Trump, that positivity and cooperation have a value that can't be measured in dollars.

TRUMP: I don't understand a word of what you just said.

HILLARY: No one does, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: You took a thumping here, Hillary! Whose fault is this failure?

OBAMA: We should spend less time focusing on failure, and more time focusing on change for the future.

TRUMP: When you say change, Barack, do you mean pocket change like the kind you made on this task? Team Elephantitis kicked your butts!

EDWARDS: For the record, Mr. Trump, I've offered to forego haircuts this month to make up the deficit.

[TRUMP turns to the Republicans.]

TRUMP: Congratulations, Team Elephantitis. You really cashed in big. Who was project manager on this one?

GIULIANI: I was, Mr. Trump.

MCCAIN: That's not true. I was.

HUCKABEE: The truth is, I was in charge.

THOMPSON: The truth? You can't handle the truth!

ROMNEY: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

HUCKABEE: Will you please go back to Utah with the Osmonds?!

ROMNEY: That's a myth. I don't live in Utah!

TRUMP: Whoa there, I'm stunned, Team E, really I am. With no one even agreeing on who was project manager, how were you able to sell so much Kool-Aid?

HILLARY: They cheated, that's how. They were each running their own stand. It was a vast right-wing conspiracy!

TRUMP: Is that true, Team E? Because if it is, you broke a fundamental rule of the task.

HUCKABEE: I am not fundamentalist. I don't know why people keep saying that.

IVANKA: You all can't even agree on who was the leader this time around. [she turns to DONALD] I don't know how we can, in good conscience, declare a winner this time. Even though Team Elephantitis technically made more sales, the internal structure of their organization is questionable.

TRUMP: I have to agree. You all understand, don't you, that there can be only one leader at a time?

HILLARY: I understand that perfectly, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: You haven't even explained your losses yet, Hillary!

OBAMA: Where some see loss, others see--

HILLARY & EDWARDS: Oh, shut up!!

TRUMP: This is a tough one.

IVANKA: Yes, it is.

TRUMP: I want each team to choose two people to come back in this board room where someone WILL be fired.

- to be continued -

Friday, January 4, 2008

The WGA Strike: What's a TV lover to do?

Oh, no. We are in serious trouble here. My well-worn sofa recliner, which I had hoped to replace within months, is now destined to last up to ten years. That's right. With no new television programs to watch until the Writers' Guild of America (WGA) strike ends, what reason will I have to lurk there for hours on end, extending and retracting my bent and damaged recliner until it breaks off and--oh, no--I have to go shopping for new furniture?

As is common in my life, now that I will actually have time to shop for new furniture, I have no legitimate reason to do so. Really, what's the point of outfitting my family room with a cushy new sectional, only so I can arrange and rearrange it in front of a blank TV screen? I mean, this really is going to mess with my feng shui. If my TV can no longer be the focal point of my family room, what the heck am I going to do? Re-orient everything in front of the--gasp--fireplace? That sounds good until you realize it takes WORK to build and tend a fire while it only takes minor thumb action to run my TV remote. You do the math.

I can take solace in the fact that at least I only have a measly 27-inch TV. What of my TV-loving brethren watching their 52-inch HDTVs go blank for months on end? I think I hear "Taps" playing in the distance.

I know, I know. I should read a book. I do read books, but there is simply no substitute for mind-numbing, sloth-building, extended TV watching. I could watch 24-hour news and reality show vermin, but really, that grows stale all too quickly. What I really need is a fix of a good serial drama, or an idiotic sitcom, or even a late-night talk show to do the trick--preferably all of the above in succession to make up a five-hour nonstop night of brain gelatinizing fun.

This could be a turning point in American life. We just may cave to the steady diet of prime-time game shows and that all-new reality favorite, "The Bachelor is no American Idol or American Gladiator but a Survivor of The Biggest Loser Apprentice." Or, we may take this TV hiatus and use the time to pursue our dreams, nurture our families, better our communities, and reclaim our heretofore watered-down humanity.

Wait a minute. That could make a very intriguing reality show. Get me a webcam! But first, get me off this couch.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

My Virtual Tattoo

O.K., just admit it. You want a tattoo, you're just not cool enough to own one. That's right--there must be an initial, publicly-acknowledged measure of "coolness" to pull it off. You must also have the following:

  • a decent pain threshhold

  • disposable--nay, BURNABLE income

  • inexplicable trust in the tattoo "artist"

  • a reputation that will be enhanced (or at least not ruined) by being seen entering and/or leaving the tattoo parlor

  • a long attention span (you'll likely have the thing for life)

Suffice it to say, I don't meet the requirements. I've watched "Miami Ink," the same way I've watched "Trading Spaces," "Flip that House," and "Martha Stewart," which is to say, completely and totally vicariously with no intention whatsoever of doing myself what those people are doing.

That's why I'm here. This is my virtual tattoo. A (hopefully) unique imprinting I can scribble on myself, change, adapt, expand, and--yes--ERASE if need be. No needles. Ever.

I just might have to add a rose graphic. And the word "mother." But beyond that, anything resembling an actual tattoo is strictly coincidental. You'll have to excuse me now. I suddenly have the urge to raid the household stash of SpongeBob Temporary Tattoos. I know I said I didn't qualify. Sue me. But it will have worn off before the ink dries on your complaint.

What the Strike Does to Your TV