Imagine Donald Trump presiding over all the presidential primary candidates in his famous board room. It makes a lot more sense to me than 'vital' early primaries in sparsely populated states like Iowa and New Hampshire, that's for sure. Not only would it be a lot more entertaining than dry PBS-ish debates, but it would likely give us voters the real information we need to make a decision on who will be this country's next leader. If anyone knows how to sift out the weak, it's Trump!
[CAMERA opens on board room. Democratic candidates Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Bill Richardson are seated on the left. Republican candidates John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson are seated on the right. They eye one another warily. At last, after an uncomfortable silence, DONALD TRUMP enters the room and takes his seat.]
TRUMP: You were given a very simple task. I sent you to the streets to open Kool-Aid stands. I chose this as your first task because it appeared to play on your obvious experience.
[TRUMP looks to daughter IVANKA.]
How did they do?
IVANKA: Well, Team Donkey Kong [she glances at the Democrats] only offered one flavor of Kool-Aid. It simplified their operation, but might have cost them sales. They made a total of $2,425. Team Elephantitis [she glances at the Republicans], on the other hand, had five different flavors, one for each team member. It confused the customers, but everyone they approached ending up buying something. They made $4,300.
[The Republican candidates smile amongst themselves. The Democratic candidates look piqued.]
TRUMP: Wow, that's quite a trouncing, Donkey Kong. Tell me, why did you only serve one flavor of Kool-Aid?
HILLARY: We decided that displaying party unity was more important than offering choices.
TRUMP: You were the project manager, weren't you, Hillary? Was that your decision or did all of you agree on that approach?
OBAMA: May I just say, Mr. Trump, that positivity and cooperation have a value that can't be measured in dollars.
TRUMP: I don't understand a word of what you just said.
HILLARY: No one does, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: You took a thumping here, Hillary! Whose fault is this failure?
OBAMA: We should spend less time focusing on failure, and more time focusing on change for the future.
TRUMP: When you say change, Barack, do you mean pocket change like the kind you made on this task? Team Elephantitis kicked your butts!
EDWARDS: For the record, Mr. Trump, I've offered to forego haircuts this month to make up the deficit.
[TRUMP turns to the Republicans.]
TRUMP: Congratulations, Team Elephantitis. You really cashed in big. Who was project manager on this one?
GIULIANI: I was, Mr. Trump.
MCCAIN: That's not true. I was.
HUCKABEE: The truth is, I was in charge.
THOMPSON: The truth? You can't handle the truth!
ROMNEY: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
HUCKABEE: Will you please go back to Utah with the Osmonds?!
ROMNEY: That's a myth. I don't live in Utah!
TRUMP: Whoa there, I'm stunned, Team E, really I am. With no one even agreeing on who was project manager, how were you able to sell so much Kool-Aid?
HILLARY: They cheated, that's how. They were each running their own stand. It was a vast right-wing conspiracy!
TRUMP: Is that true, Team E? Because if it is, you broke a fundamental rule of the task.
HUCKABEE: I am not fundamentalist. I don't know why people keep saying that.
IVANKA: You all can't even agree on who was the leader this time around. [she turns to DONALD] I don't know how we can, in good conscience, declare a winner this time. Even though Team Elephantitis technically made more sales, the internal structure of their organization is questionable.
TRUMP: I have to agree. You all understand, don't you, that there can be only one leader at a time?
HILLARY: I understand that perfectly, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: You haven't even explained your losses yet, Hillary!
OBAMA: Where some see loss, others see--
HILLARY & EDWARDS: Oh, shut up!!
TRUMP: This is a tough one.
IVANKA: Yes, it is.
TRUMP: I want each team to choose two people to come back in this board room where someone WILL be fired.
- to be continued -
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2 comments:
I'm waiting in anticipation for the sequel...you have WAY too much talent!
Love you!
I had the same idea, but instead of spending millions on advertising - use the funds to actually solve a problem.
How fast can a team clean up a neighborhood? How much money can they save?
Lets see them in meetings. I would love to see how they discuss the problems and solutions.
How about taking on an issue that the candidate is not in favor of like abortion - then send them into a real life abortion clinic and let them experience the issue in front of the public.
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