The "Presidential Apprentice," Part 2

[The Donald looks to Ivanka and Donald Jr. on his right and left.]


TRUMP: It will be interesting to see who they bring back. Who do you think it will be?


IVANKA: Well, if they're smart, it will be Hillary for sure on Team Donkey Kong and either Obama or Edwards would be appropriate. On Team E, I'd recommend Guiliani and Thompson. Neither one really showed themselves on this task, or at all, for that matter.


[TRUMP nods knowingly.]


TRUMP: Well, let's find out. [punches button on desk intercom] Teresa, send them in, please.

[DOOR opens and only HILLARY and OBAMA take a seat on the left, while MCCAIN, ROMNEY, AND HUCKABEE take seats on the right. HUCKABEE tries to elbow MCCAIN toward the left, but MCCAIN resists. All of the TRUMPS look aghast.]

TRUMP: What happened? Where are the rest of your teams?

MCCAIN: Some of our team members voluntarily resigned, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: (eyebrows raised) They quit?? Really!

HILLARY: Edwards and Richardson recognized their lack of contribution and graciously bowed out.

TRUMP: Is that true, Barack? Was their exit truly "gracious?"

OBAMA: I would be willing to afford them some grace.

[HILLARY AND MCCAIN guffaw.]

TRUMP: [turns to MCCAIN] Did your members bow out graciously, too, John?

MCCAIN: Yes, I think so.

ROMNEY: He's only saying that because they endorsed him in their resignation letters.

TRUMP: For what, exactly? The next project manager or to be the next apprentice?

HILLARY: No doubt they want him to be the next apprentice, Mr. Trump. It's a vast, right wing--

TRUMP: Enough, Hillary. We've been through all that. What I need to decide now is whether to accept these mass resignations in place of firing someone or to just fire someone anyway. [looks to HUCKABEE] Mike, if you were me, what would you do?

HUCKABEE: I would not presume to tell you what to do, Mr. Trump, but I can say I'm not interested in resigning or being fired.

ROMNEY: Neither am I.

MCCAIN: Shhh, would you two quit it already??

HILLARY: Looks as if any firing that needs to be done needs to be done over there.

TRUMP: You don't want to see Barack go, then, Hillary, is that what you're saying?

MCCAIN: That's not what she's saying at all.

HILLARY: You don't know what I'm saying, Senator.

OBAMA: No one does.

[HILLARY shoots him a look.]

HILLARY: Nice.

TRUMP: You know that's what people say, though, don't you, Hillary, that Barack is a nice guy?

HILLARY: Sure.

TRUMP: Sure they say that or sure he's a nice guy?

[HILLARY affixes a frozen expression to her face.]

OBAMA: She thinks I'm a nice guy.

MCCAIN: No one really knows what she thinks, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: You don't want to answer that one, Hillary?

HILLARY: I am prepared to square off with Senator McCain when the time comes.

TRUMP: Whoa, guys, I think Hillary just wrote all of the rest of you off.

ROMNEY: I am not quitting. If anyone should step aside, it should be--

HUCKABEE: I'm not a quitter!

TRUMP: O.K., everyone, just settle down. The facts are these: We have just winnowed the entire field by four. I'm sitting here looking at the final five right now and from where I'm sitting, you all have a decent shot at being the next apprentice. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to accept the mass resignations in place of a firing for now. You're going to get one more task to show me what you can do before I take it down to the final two. I will confer with Ivanka and Don here and will call you in the suite when we have your next assignment.

MCCAIN: We're prepared for anything, Mr. Trump.

HILLARY: They'll find us a formidable team, Mr. Trump.

[ROMNEY chuckles; OBAMA goes into a fit of coughing.]

TRUMP: Enough, everybody out--back to the suite!

ROMNEY: Dibs on the top bunk!

to be continued . . .