The Candidates Are Coming!!

The candidates are coming! The candidates are coming! Ah, yes, one if by land and two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be, ready to ride and spread the alarm, to every Indiana city, village, and farm.

Run, don't walk, to your nearest tornado shelter, Hoosiers. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are on the offense, blessing our heretofore neglected primary state with umpteen visits and in Obama's case, dozens of unsolicited, full-color, attack mailings. Reduce, reuse, recycle, man! Haven't you heard? The environment is in danger! Your gigantic carbon footprint in the form of two solid inches of junk mail per household is giving you away! Please say those attack ads were printed on one hundred percent recyclable materials from reforested sources. I sniffed it and it didn't smell like bamboo, so naturally, I'm suspicious, man . . .

When it comes to political primaries, Indiana has never mattered much. With a moldy May 6 date, the major candidates in a general election have often long since been decided. But not this year. So, if you're not already too jaded (or bored), keep your vehicle packed with your portable camp chair, camera, autograph book, and enough supplies to last approximately two days in the wilderness. That ought to tide you over when waiting in line to see one of the Democratic not-so-anointed.

The humor, of course, is that it is highly unlikely Indiana will vote Dem in the presidential election come November. That's right. Our state has selected the Republican candidate for president every single election since 1964. We haven't helped a Dem win in 44 years! Chances are we won't this year, either.

Let's just hope that when Obama and Hillary come to Indiana and needlessly spend oodles out of their campaign coffers that will ultimately convince no one in any kind of meaningful, long-term way, that some of that money at least goes into the Indiana economy. Their entourages gotta eat, right? "Primary Specials," anyone?

Oh. And don't forget to recycle those junk mailings.