My Virtual Tattoo

O.K., just admit it. You want a tattoo, you're just not cool enough to own one. That's right--there must be an initial, publicly-acknowledged measure of "coolness" to pull it off. You must also have the following:

• a decent pain threshhold


• disposable--nay, BURNABLE income


• inexplicable trust in the tattoo "artist"


• a reputation that will be enhanced (or at least not ruined) by being seen entering and/or leaving the tattoo parlor


• a long attention span (you'll likely have the thing for life)

Suffice it to say, I don't meet the requirements. I've watched "Miami Ink," the same way I've watched "Trading Spaces," "Flip that House," and "Martha Stewart," which is to say, completely and totally vicariously with no intention whatsoever of doing myself what those people are doing.

That's why I'm here. This is my virtual tattoo. A (hopefully) unique imprinting I can scribble on myself, change, adapt, expand, and--yes--ERASE if need be. No needles. Ever.

I just might have to add a rose graphic. And the word "mother." But beyond that, anything resembling an actual tattoo is strictly coincidental. You'll have to excuse me now. I suddenly have the urge to raid the household stash of SpongeBob Temporary Tattoos. I know I said I didn't qualify. Sue me. But it will have worn off before the ink dries on your complaint.